August 25, 2010

I was talking with Divine a while ago.. I missed her.. I really do. A week ago she changed her relationship status, and she's now in relationship.. with me. At first, I know that it's not true. She's my best friend. She's far from me. I'm not actively communicating with her (though I always think about her). I did not court her. I didn't even tell her that I still feel the same all this time. But those thoughts changed a bit when she called. It's more of like a confirmation that she meant it. Still, there's something inside me that tells me that it shouldn't be this way. It's like a lottery, I'm always thinking that I want to win the jackpot, then one day I won without even buying a ticket. Sounds ironic right? 

Is this for real? I trust her. I just don't want this to end up like I used my feelings and our best friendship to my advantage. I can feel it again.. the feeling of being in love. I'm feeling it right now.. while we're talking.. It feels like I'm a high school again, the time when I started feeling this way... And when we're about to end our conversation.. of course, the parting words of lovers.. I love you.. It's still awkward to say that. I'm just not used to say that. This will be my first relationship, in case. This will be my first time to say I love you in a relationship. How awkward could that be.. 

I do love her. I just don't know how to show it.. how to say it.. One thing I should learn first, is to be confident. I don't know. There's something inside me that tells me that I'm not the right person for her. I don't have the qualities of a typical guy that a typical girl will fall in love with. I don't have the looks, the body, the wit and all physical aspects a girl could wish for. It keeps asking me, how will she fall in love with me?  I should really get these things off my mind. I just need somebody who will accept me as I am. I hope she's the one...